Category Archives: legacy

Healing Family Spirits

Let’s talk family healing.

I’m very slowly making my way through the book It Didn’t Start with You by Mark Wolynn about how family trauma is passed down through generations.

Did you know that when mice are given an electric shock (mean scientists, I know) every time they smell cherry blossoms, their descendants TWO generations later will jump at that smell – even though it was only their grandparents who experienced that trauma! Lots of other real life human examples too (but that one intrigued me.)

Then I think about the state of our world -and how maybe all the unresolved family and ancestral trauma everyone’s lugging around is reaching a boiling point.

Would the world be different if more of us took responsibility for healing the wounds of our own families? Connecting with the family spirits – living or dead, imagining what we know of their lives, offering compassion, acknowledging their grief, anger or regret that we blindly carry inside ourselves -and then doing the work of healing.

Not turning a blind eye to what we pass onto our own kids, pretending everything is fine or feeling victimized or holding grudges against certain relatives or projecting judgments onto other people’s families – or any of the other ways we sidestep the hard work of our own healing – but actually doing the inner work, facing the family demons buried within.

Warning – it’s really hard! Lots of tough stuff to face, our own shadows, deep grief and pain we don’t want to see. So much easier to just stay in our comfort zones with good enough.

Maybe that’s why there’s so much anger, anxiety, depression choking the air these days.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? – can you see how trauma has rolled down through your family?

Do you think personal healing affects the larger world? (whether or not you have kids, or they’re grown or not?)

Everything is a prayer

Philippe Wojazer / Reuters via nbc news

During the breaking newscast of the Notre Dame fire, the words

“They were creating a giant prayer…” in reference to the creation of the cathedral caught my attention.

I cried.

I cried again later during another news report which said, “Firefighters directed much of their efforts towards saving the artwork stored at the back of the cathedral.”

It moves me deeply to know that my fellow humans value art, beauty and history to the point of risking their lives.

Years ago, I cried while watching a documentary about Afghan professors rescuing art from the taliban. And while reading about US soldiers rescuing art from the nazis.

These acts of heroism speak volumes to me about what it means to be human and what it means to care about the legacy we offer future generations.

But

the people who cried on 4/15/19 and put their resources and power towards saving Notre Dame,

my people – the ones of European Christian ancestry,

allow corporate greed to destroy God’s art.


Indigenous peoples go to court to save the Amazon from oil company greed.
Image Credit: Mitch Anderson/Amazon Frontlines

Imagine the state of our planet today if

those who claim to believe that God created the forests, valued natural Creation as much as the Creation of our greatest human artists.

Imagine too the state of the world if we recognized the Sacred in every culture.

What if we saw God in the history and traditions of every race and continent? What if those saving Notre Dame did all they could to stop the destruction of the Sacred in all its expressions around the globe?

During yesterday’s fire, I was privileged to know that the wealthy and powerful shared in my grief, and were doing all they could to stop the destruction of the Sacred art and history of my own spiritual ancestors.

Today I ask what if the wealthy and powerful did all they could to stop the destruction of the Earth and of all peoples?

All life would be recognized as a prayer.

Lighting the Way for Our Kids & Grandkids

My daughter was nearly 8 years old when I adopted her, and she came to me understandably furious with the world, heartbroken by the cruel forces of fate. While most new moms must focus on attending to their child’s physical needs, I had to hit the ground running focused on her emotional and spiritual well-being.

I began with the simple practice of pointing out something beautiful whenever we went outside. “What a beautiful cardinal!” “I love how the snow outlines every limb of that tree.” At first she was resistant, refusing to even look, but then she did look and she smiled and she started to point out beauty to me. “That sunset is pink and purple!”

This is how I shared with my daughter the core of my spirituality. Gratitude, stillness, wonder and awe for creation and the Mystery which surrounds us were all modeled in this simple practice. These are also key ingredients for our children’s mental health, not to mention counter-cultural values in a time when many are focused on acquiring material things, looking attractive, spending hours either staring at screens or frantically busy.

I have a lot of ideas for how to share spiritual values with young people. I created a model that puts opportunities for living/sharing our spiritual values into a concrete visual diagram that I teach in my Spiritual Grandparenting workshops. These ideas come from not only my experience as an adoptive parent (and now grandparent!) but also my 15 years of experience working with tweens and teens.

It is common today for parents of young children to no longer practice the spiritual faith they were raised in. This leaves both parents and grandparents unsure how to mentor their children in using their spiritual imaginations and connecting to the transcendent.

Register for my Feb 23 rd Spiritual Grandparenting Workshop or have me come to your group. The workshop is not only for grandparents, but parents, mentors, youth professionals too.

Lessons from the Great Birthday Plague of 2018

After much imagining, planning and dreaming, my 50th birthday did not go as hoped.

I had been feeling under the weather for a few days, then woke up on the big 5-0 to a great intestinal purging – the likes of which I never before experienced. My mind, body and spirit were so preoccupied with expelling all contents that even the most pitiful of birthday excursions – going downstairs to watch tv – was more than I could muster.

I did have one birthday perk to lift my spirits however – dozens of sweet messages from friends near and far reminding me of 50 years well lived.

If I am going to spend time languishing from the plague – I am happy to do it on a day when so many loved ones think to reach out and send me some love.

Lesson 1: You can train yourself to view the Pepto-Bismol bottle as half full instead of half empty. The payoff is that crap will still happen but it won’t crush your spirit.

What does it mean that my second half of life began with a dramatic purging, purifying and detoxing?

Several friends turned 50 with me this summer, and we talked about each coming up with a theme to make the whole year special. I created a list of things I’d like to do while 50, but couldn’t think of a theme until the Universe hit me upside the head with this one:

Purging, purifying, detoxing

Hmmm. I don’t think it’s about purging physical items because I’ve never cared much about material stuff. I could certainly lose weight, but I’m a pretty clean eater and being fat doesn’t really bother me.

Something does resonate with me though when I think about purging old perspectives and thought patterns. A fresh perspective for the second half! I like that.

I’ll have to think about this some more after the plague’s residual brain fog and lethargy has lifted. Or maybe I’ll forget.

Lesson 2: Some people view unforeseen events as happenstance, and some view everything as happening for a reason. Either way, why not use these events as opportunities to uncover spiritual lessons in the metaphors presenting themselves? (Of course, if you can’t figure it out, that’s okay too.)

Last summer, I gave a eulogy for my friend Lisa who died after spending most of age 50 in hospice. My 49th birthday was filled with love, joy and gratitude for the gift of my friend and the gift of being alive.

This summer however, I approached my birthday feeling sad and a little hopeless.

Then I got sick. So sick I couldn’t get out of bed my whole birthday, and the next day I could only make it downstairs to the couch and then

the third day I could step outside into the fresh night air.

What a thrill it was to be outside after so many days indoors! I breathed the fresh air, listened to the crickets, looked up at the moon and felt Lisa smiling on me in a way that filled up my whole body.

Lesson 3: It is a great beautiful blessing to be alive.

Depressed? Connect!

Depression is disconnection.

Disconnection from:
self,     others,      the world around you      and      the great Mystery.
Medications and therapy ease the symptoms, but are not a cure.

You know that, right?

My guess is that every person reading this either takes, or knows someone who takes, anti-depressants and still experiences some level of depression.

Why? Because CONNECTION is the only path to relief.

Anti-depressants can give us the boost we need to get out of our ruts and seek connection,
but without that critical step – connection – there is no real end to the misery.

Need some ideas of what can connect you?

I have suggestions,
but the key is to do something mindfully,
meaning that you are present in the activity
rather than just trying to get through it or pass the time.

Connect to the moment.

Be present to the moment and clear in your intention.
If your intention is to connect with yourself,
then create something that releases your spirit onto a physical form – paper, clay, garden plot – even if just for your eyes only. Or move your body in a way that focuses your attention on how the air fills your lungs or the sun warms your face or each of your muscles pulls and releases. 
If your intention is to seek connection with others,
then be mindful during your interactions with others of feeling tenderness for each person. Dare to have deeply honest and meaningful conversations.
If your intention is to connect with the world around you,
then be present to the clouds, the grass, the birds.
If you intention is to seek connection with the great Mystery,
then let your mind soar into the space of your ancestors, the moment you came into being, or the source of all Love and Beauty.

You can connect by:

gardening, painting, writing, running, playing, volunteering at a senior living center, dancing, volunteering at an animal shelter, taking a slow walk in the forest as the trees graciously fill your lungs, performing your own water ballet in the deep end of the local pool, meditating, volunteering at a crisis nursery, praying, heart to heart talks with an old friend, heart to heart talks with a new friend, doing something for the sheer joy of it, reading a book that questions reality, watching a movie that shows you life through fresh eyes.

What works for you?

If this sounds overwhelming or you don’t know what will connect you and you don’t have the energy to find out –
then get the boost you need from medication, therapy –
and then take that next step towards
connecting yourself to what brings meaning to your life.

Legacies

  • I’m watching an American Experience episode about Walt Disney on PBS. He certainly was a flawed human, but I’m fascinated by his early designs and models of Disneyland and how deeply satisfied he was when his vision finally came to fruition. He kept an apartment underneath Disneyland’s Main Street USA, and could be found walking the park early mornings in his bath robe.

1955

  • Six months after Prince’s sudden death, people are flying across the globe to visit his home and studio, hear the music he was creating and absorb his energy. Just as he had hoped.

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  • A few days ago, I met with a dear 90 year old friend, who after serving as an important spiritual and meditation mentor for decades in our city, is retiring out of town. She presented me with beautifully printed booklets of her writings and icon paintings.
  • Meanwhile, a dear longtime friend, my age, has entered into hospice care. The trees around her house are filling with ribbons placed by friends and loved ones, each bearing a blessing for her. Messages are pouring into the house, telling stories of how she has impacted the lives of others and positively influenced her community. I read some of the messages aloud to her, and she smiled.

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As I sit here only middle aged and in fine health, I can’t help but wonder:

What can I do for my loved ones and my community?

What can I create that will surpass me?

I also wonder about the connection between the quality of the relationships we nurtured, the work we’ve done in our communities, the creativity we brought to life – and our comfort with death and dying.