My 2018 was a bit of scamp: mischievous and harmlessly naughty. There were delightful surprises (I became a grandma!) and annoying disappointments (50th birthday week in bed with the plague) There were feverish bouts of creative inspiration, oncoming disasters averted at the last second and angels of mercy lighting my way through darkness and melancholy. Yep, a rascally year.
Want to know what helps me make sense of the lessons in my life? For the past 28 years, I’ve been reading tarot cards. I do readings at the end of every year, at my July birthday and whenever I’m craving clarity with a particular challenge.
(I sometimes do readings for friends too – I’m pretty good at helping them create a cohesive story from the cards that are drawn in the context of what is going on in their life.)
We can see our situation more clearly through the tarot’s fascinating combination of :
1) Ambiguity (like Rorschach’s ink blots, we project themes from our deepest thoughts & feelings)
2) Archetypes (universal patterns that give us a broader view of the patterns in our own lives) and
3) Synchronicity (Is there a reason I drew this specific card at this specific time?)
From my readings this week, I can more clearly see the creative, personal and professional seeds I planted in 2018, the constrictive mindset I inadvertently developed (whoops!) and the focused action steps I want to take in the new year.
I’m glad I have this decades-long practice of reflection in my life, because at 50, time accelerates at a dizzying speed! If we’re not careful a whole year can whiz by without aligning our daily lives with what is most important to us and the legacies we hope to create.
BTW, I’m leading a Moving Forward in Sync with Your Soul workshop at Loyola on January 19. We will not use tarot cards but there will be plenty of other reflective tools for you to enter your new year with intention. Join me!
Note: I most often use Motherpeace Round Tarot Deck by Karen Vogel and Vicki Noble and the Wheel of Change Tarot by Alexandra Genetti.
When I was a little girl, my December ritual was to sit alone in our living room beside the twinkling tree lights and imagine myself into the coffee table manger scene. I visualized myself with the shepherds underneath a Bethlehem sky full of angels. I sat there until the angels and the tiny God lying among the ox and cows felt real, became real to me. I wasn’t spiritually advanced, I had a similar ritual with the Santa’s Workshop pop-up scene that sprang to life when I opened our Ronco Christmas album. Both these imaginings were how I made myself feel “The Christmas Spirit”
When I grew up, I experienced some heartbreaks that made the Christmas Season feel too painful and I avoided much of it. Becoming a mother and getting to play Santa for the first time dissolved those pains. That first year, I allowed myself to turn on the Christmas radio station. I listened to O Holy Night in the car and cried through the whole song. I understood myself as part of the weary world who at long last was given a thrill of hope.
photo credit below
I resumed visualizations with the same manger scene from my childhood, but this time the rich metaphors of the annunciation, nativity and epiphany stories unveiled truths from my own life. These Christmas stories – together with long winter nights and longing for the sun – are a powerful gateway into a deeper part of my psyche. The part that holds my most painful wounds, my most naked need to be seen, valued and loved as well as my deepest capacity to fully love those closest to me.
This Christmas I go deeper still, as I am a brand-new grandma with a precious baby, a daughter and a son-in-spirit to love until my heart explodes. I recently held my newborn grandson fresh from the womb and angels singing at the Bethlehem birth became real for me in a whole new way, as did the desperate love of the parents and onlookers at that manger. My wounds still hurt, my needs still poke me with longing, my capacity for love keeps expanding – and the stories of Christmas and the returning sun still offer me new ways of exploring these truest elements of being human.
It is from this experience with the stories of Christmas and Winter Solstice that I am creating the Spiritual Imagination and the Nativity Advent Retreat at Loyola Spirituality Center in St Paul on Dec 1st, 2018. My intention is to carve out a time and space for participants to explore their own Christmas imaginings this season. Click the link for more info and to register.
If you’re not in the Twin Cities, I invite you to spend some quiet time with the sacred stories of the season exploring the rich metaphors they offer.
Today is the feast day of Teresa of Avila, the extraordinary writer, mystic and nun of 16th century Spain. Her book The Interior Castle continues to influence my spiritual thinking and I refer to it often when clients see me for spiritual counseling.
Teresa describes a castle with seven rooms leading from the exterior to the interior as a metaphor for the soul and our movement towards the center where Source resides.
I find that Source can refer to a universal guiding force (God) and/or our own sacred essence (who we can be when fully living aligned with our values and gifts)
We move through the rooms by evolving from active prayer (conversation with Source / our sacred essence) to passive prayer (in the flow or in communion with Source /our sacred essence)
Teresa did not specify how to pray, other than to stress that we begin by talking with Source, not reciting learned prayers – but speaking to Love. Her lack of detail enables us to create our own methods. We can personify Source as a person – Father/ Mother or Jesus, for example – or we can imagine offering all of our thoughts, hopes and fears to the Universe. Seeing a beautiful tree, we can offer gratitude for such beauty. This conversation can progress until eventually we are in a constant state of experiencing Love. Teresa wrote, “Pray as you can, for prayer doesn’t consist of thinking a great deal, but of loving a great deal.”
The sequential nature of the castle’s rooms is important, for Teresa said, “If the foundation is on sand, the whole building will fall to the ground.” Those who try to rush ahead or skip steps in order to more quickly experience the ecstasy of communion with Source are deluding themselves with selfish desires and headed down a dark path. (I think about Teresa when I hear about motivational / spiritual events where people are enclosed together for long hours with lots of yelling or intense evoking of hidden shames so as to orchestrate quick, sudden “breakthroughs.”)
Self-knowledge is the first virtue of our journey as spiritual seekers. This is the awareness of the beauty of our own soul and of our capacity for union with Source. Experiencing this union creates a level of ecstasy so profound, Teresa believed that if we all knew this, we would all seek to reach it.
See what I mean? Montage of Teresa’s blissed out face in Gianlorenzo Bernini sculpture The Ecstasy of St Teresa of Avila.
Humility follows self-knowledge. As our conversation with Source progresses, our deficiency in loving-kindness becomes apparent. In fact, to think that we are sufficiently spiritually evolved is fatal to our spiritual life. Teresa wrote “While we are on this earth nothing is more important to us than humility.” Aligning our will with our sacred essence is a life long process that humans can never perfect, but that we can continually move towards. When we feel prideful or smug in our goodness, we are overlooking opportunities to be more genuine. Worse, we are more likely to judge the weaknesses of others. Teresa specifically warns of how a lack of humility leads us to judge and gossip about those around us. Anytime we start to think we are sufficiently aligned with our values it is time to be more honest with ourselves.
Likewise, forgiving ourselves for our shortcomings is also important and leads towards greater acceptance and forgiveness of the imperfections of others. It is a balancing act – recognizing we always have room for growth while accepting who we are in the moment. According to Teresa, having a spiritual counselor is an important part of this process. (Need one? Email me)
This is just a hint of the many wise gems of Teresa’s writing. If you read her books, it’s important to know that she wrote during The Inquisition when many thousands of women were tortured and burned at the stake for professing spiritual knowledge. This is why Teresa’s books are peppered with apologies for being a stupid woman and pleas to forgive her if she is wrong. This strategy worked – although briefly imprisoned she was spared persecution. Centuries after her death she was made a Doctor of the Roman Catholic Church – meaning in part that her writings are considered to have had great influence on the spirituality of Catholicism. There is good reason to deeply distrust the institution of the Catholic Church – that is obvious to many. There are also spiritual riches buried throughout its long history –Teresa of Avila’s writings among them – that I encourage you to discover.
After much imagining, planning and dreaming, my 50th birthday did not go as hoped.
I had been feeling under the weather for a few days, then woke up on the big 5-0 to a great intestinal purging – the likes of which I never before experienced. My mind, body and spirit were so preoccupied with expelling all contents that even the most pitiful of birthday excursions – going downstairs to watch tv – was more than I could muster.
I did have one birthday perk to lift my spirits however – dozens of sweet messages from friends near and far reminding me of 50 years well lived.
If I am going to spend time languishing from the plague – I am happy to do it on a day when so many loved ones think to reach out and send me some love.
Lesson 1: You can train yourself to view the Pepto-Bismol bottle as half full instead of half empty. The payoff is that crap will still happen but it won’t crush your spirit.
What does it mean that my second half of life began with a dramatic purging, purifying and detoxing?
Several friends turned 50 with me this summer, and we talked about each coming up with a theme to make the whole year special. I created a list of things I’d like to do while 50, but couldn’t think of a theme until the Universe hit me upside the head with this one:
Purging, purifying, detoxing
Hmmm. I don’t think it’s about purging physical items because I’ve never cared much about material stuff. I could certainly lose weight, but I’m a pretty clean eater and being fat doesn’t really bother me.
Something does resonate with me though when I think about purging old perspectives and thought patterns. A fresh perspective for the second half! I like that.
I’ll have to think about this some more after the plague’s residual brain fog and lethargy has lifted. Or maybe I’ll forget.
Lesson 2: Some people view unforeseen events as happenstance, and some view everything as happening for a reason. Either way, why not use these events as opportunities to uncover spiritual lessons in the metaphors presenting themselves? (Of course, if you can’t figure it out, that’s okay too.)
Last summer, I gave a eulogy for my friend Lisa who died after spending most of age 50 in hospice. My 49th birthday was filled with love, joy and gratitude for the gift of my friend and the gift of being alive.
This summer however, I approached my birthday feeling sad and a little hopeless.
Then I got sick. So sick I couldn’t get out of bed my whole birthday, and the next day I could only make it downstairs to the couch and then
the third day I could step outside into the fresh night air.
What a thrill it was to be outside after so many days indoors! I breathed the fresh air, listened to the crickets, looked up at the moon and felt Lisa smiling on me in a way that filled up my whole body.
Lesson 3: It is a great beautiful blessing to be alive.
So depression has been calling my name lately. Lurking, although not fully present.
I’ve been working through it with various practices (which I’ll share in a post if anyone’s interested) and reading about the spiritual gifts of these dark nights of the soul. Here are some excerpts from a chapter on despair in the book Healing Through the Dark Emotions: The Wisdom of Grief, Fear and Despair by psychotherapist Miriam Greenspan.
Depression, Greenspan says, is “unalchemized despair.” She points out that only in the last 60 years or so “have we started to consider depression as a medical condition.”
“In a culture that condemns despair, it’s hard to look at this emotion in a way that honors its dignity, power and wisdom. Viewing it as an illness beyond our control, we don’t have to feel blame for it. This lessens despair’s stigma and gives us some hope.”
“From the standpoint of almost every culture and time except this era in the United States, the psychiatric approach to despair would be seen as naïve or nutty. The idea that only cheeriness is normal has a distinctly Brave New World feel. It’s no wonder that despair, the darkest of the dark emotions, is virtually taboo in our society. Feeling this bad in a feel-good culture is transgressive; it goes against the grain in a culture of denial.”
I’m not afraid to be transgressive, ha.
“Women, the elderly, the disenfranchised and artists, among the most vulnerable to despair, might have something to contribute to the culture from out of their despair, rather than in spite of it. What gifts lie in these darker realms? And what about confronting the denied darkness of our culture and society.”
What if instead of just focusing on our medical history and length of symptoms, psychiatrists asked, “How is your depression connected to anger? Is there any relationship between your depression and things in your life that make you feel disempowered or without a voice?”
Greenspan writes “More than grief and fear, (despair) has a moral and social dimension that calls us to pay attention to and make meaning out of human suffering. Enter this dark night of the soul, insists the voice of despair. Look at the world’s pain without your usual protections…If you can bear your way through this night with patience, you will be moved to a muscular faith that has looked into the heart of darkness and emerged to affirm life.”
Greenspan illustrates the transformative process through stories of her own and her clients’ journeys through despair. Facing the anguish from her young daughter’s serious medical condition, for example, Greenspan allowed her grief to flow and entered into a deeper felt connection within the web of life of which she and her daughter are a part.
“Despair invites us to journey into the fertile dark. This is no trip to Tuscany where we walk the vernal hillsides watching the sun’s light on the landscape. It’s a journey to the dark inner core of our banished selves and our failures to create a humane world.”
“It comes with an urgent call to grieve our losses” our lost dreams and to “re-examine the meaning of our lives.”
“Transform yourself or be damned, the voice of despair seems to say.”
Right now, we are the woman draped in roses in this painting. The trumpets are sounding for the dawn of the new year. 2017 crawls away. Soon, we will have no choice but to get up, get moving and create 2018.
But first, we rest in the liminal space of what was and what will be.
Perhaps my reflections from this liminal space will bring to mind gifts you received in the passing year…
In 2017, I joined the team of spiritual directors at Loyola Spirituality Center in St Paul, MN and listened to the spiritual journeys of people ranging in age from 18 to 67, from atheists to Christian clergy.
It’s hard to articulate just how much I love this work I do, how much I love each person who comes to my office or home to share glimpses of their heart.
While the outside world of 2017 was ugly on many levels, my work as a spiritual director keeps me tapped into the beauty of the human heart. In one way or another, each seeker reveals to me their earnest desire to be more… (genuine, balanced, whole, loving, mindful, thoughtful, open-hearted, joyful, close to the Divine, aligned with their true gifts and purpose and so on.)
It is this ache to embody the fullness of who we really are that is so beautiful, and I get to witness it daily.
Also in 2017, I spent months assisting a friend through her dying process. I walked her through her fears, held her during her final night and the next day I offered a blessing during her bedside service. I stayed there in her house with her loved ones all through the next day too, and when I finally emerged out into the public – a grocery store, to be exact – I was nearly knocked over with love for the first stranger I saw. It was weird, because at first I pictured this stranger dead, and then I saw his light shining within and all around him
and then my heart felt “we are exactly the same” – this man of a different age, race, gender and size than me – we all have these bodies that we carry around and we are all the same light.
I guess spending so much time in that veil between the physical and spiritual realm gave me a glimpse of this reality in a visceral, visible way. That is the greatest gift I received in 2017, and I credit the expansively loving nature of my beautiful friend who died.
In sum, 2017 cracked open my heart and more fully connected me to the hearts of others. That was not my goal or new year’s resolution, it is just what happened. Less poetic things happened too – financially, physically, etc – but my expanded heart and the gift of a vocation that makes it beat louder and stronger all the time keeps everything else in perspective.
What gift of awareness did 2017 bring you?
Happy New Year, Everyone and
may 2018 bring you closer to embodying the fullness of who you really are!
Are you interested in trying a spiritual direction session?
…every time you saw a nativity scene, you visualized the baby as a metaphor for a mysterious, beautiful energy that is constantly birthing itself into the world?
…every time you heard a song about the nativity, you used lyrics such as ‘o come let us adore him’ as a reminder to honor this energy that is already alive within yourself and within everyone you meet?
…every time you encountered any version of the Christmas story, you allowed it to serve as a reminder that although this beautiful energy is “forever being born in the human soul,” we must constantly make room in our awareness for it – emptying our minds of the clutter, opening to the reality of the present – because otherwise “there is no room in the inn for such a mystery?”
What if the point of the Christmas story has always been that:
1) this mysterious, beautiful energy is already present “hidden inside of everything”
2) yet we’re still always waiting (longing!) to see it revealed in the world because we’re too clouded from the reality that this energy is everywhere and already birthed inside of us?
Try listening to the story and all of its details – angels singing in the sky, refugee woman giving birth in stranger’s shed, lowly field men approaching in awe – as a metaphor for a moment when suddenly the universe stops and loudly announces that this energy of love is here! alive in the world! incarnate!
Behold! I bring you great news! The beautiful energy of love is here! Alive in the world! Incarnate!
And when an evil king tries to snuff out this loving energy – be like the wise person who followed their intuition and enabled the energy to prevail.
May each of you fully know the beauty that is already birthed inside of you.
Merry Christmas!
(All quotes come from Richard Rohr’s Advent Message video which can be found here.)
As a spiritual director (and also as a parent, friend and public speaker), I try to tap people into their own wisdom and creativity.
Depending on your worldview, you may see wisdom and creative inspiration as coming from your intuition, communication with God, a collective unconscious or some combination of all three. However you define the source, practices of quiet (prayer or meditation), mindfulness (deep presence to the moment) and increasing self-knowledge (awareness of how your ego derails you) better allow wisdom and creativity to flow within you.
A spiritual director can offer guidance in these practices, help you discern when you are tapping into this flow and stand beside you as you grow in the confidence of access to your own wisdom.
One person who clearly accessed her inner wisdom and creativity – and had a spiritual director – was a 12th century woman known as Hildegard of Bingen.
Hildegard composed powerful music that is still widely enjoyed today and which scientists have discovered activates our brainwaves in unique ways. Enter her name in YouTube and listen to some of the recordings yourself. Here’s a couple:
Hildegard wrote encyclopedias documenting the healing qualities for over 300 plants and trees. She also wrote philosophical volumes on the spiritual and natural worlds that earned her such widespread respect even emperors, popes and kings sought her counsel.
Hildegard saw everything as existing within an interconnected web of creation – and understood that by studying the microcosm we could come to understand the macrocosm. This was in the 1100s! Long before quantum physics verified her teachings.
Hildegard had “visions” through which these secrets of the universe were revealed to her. She described these visions in her writings, oversaw their portrayal in painted mandalas (such as the one above) and talked about them on her speaking tours.
She also wrote about how the process of sharing her visions with her spiritual director strengthened her confidence in them and gave her the conviction to share her message with the world.
Everything that is in the heavens, on earth, and under the earth is penetrated with connectedness, penetrated with relatedness - Hildegard of Bingen
What if we all took seriously our own “visions” or moments of clarity when spiritual connectedness or creative inspiration seems to flow through us? What if we all nurtured these moments with meditation or other spiritual practices? What if we all had someone to talk to about these moments?
Hildegard may have seen her visions in what today we might call migraine auras, and much of her imagery stems from the lush forest that surrounded her monastery.
I believe we can all nurture our ability (as well as our children’s ability) to find meaning in everything around us. We all have the potential to better understand the secrets of the universe as revealed in something as simple as the veins of a maple leaf.
While Hildegard seems to have been blessed with more talents than the average human, the design of her daily life was ideal for nurturing her spiritual and creative gifts.
Since early childhood, Hildegard’s days were focused on practicing the quiet of meditative prayer and cultivating awareness of the sacred within each moment and all of creation. Knowing this helps us understand how her music and visions came to be.
How can we emulate Hildegard’s practices so as to enhance the wisdom and creativity flowing through our own lives?
Hildegard was a woman to be reckoned with. She understood the value and importance of her visions. Claiming unheard of authority for a woman not only of her time but perhaps any time in history since, Hildegard did not shrink from challenging those in power. She wrote sternly to those who she saw abusing their power, and her views were taken seriously by them.
O king, it is of utmost necessity that you take care of how you act... I see you are acting like a child. You live an insane, absurd life before God. There is still time. - Hildegard to Emperor Bararossa
If you are not familiar with Hildegard, I encourage you to get to know her better. And talk about her to the girls and young women in your lives!
Every creature is a glittering, glistening mirror of Divinity - Hildegard of Bingen
Then you’ll see for yourself why Hildegard is an inspiration for so many reasons – her access to wisdom, her holistic knowledge and creative talents, her ability to claim authority in matters not normally granted to women, her confidence in her visions and the strength of her convictions.
I will be presenting a program on Hildegard of Bingen at St Gerard Church in Brooklyn Park, MN on Feb 2, 2018, details to follow.
Let me know if you’re interested in having me speak at your event or if you’re interested in a spiritual direction session. Email me at Carolyn@spiritfulldirection.com.
Instead, at its peak I lead a quiet meditation with a few friends. It felt wonderful to clear our minds, make space for the new chapter of the New Moon and absorb the celestial energy.
Before the peak, we feasted on sunshiny lemon ricotta cakes with blueberry moon sauce, turmeric yellow frittata, English cheddar with fig preserves, grapes, yellow watermelon, purple Izzy soda and Moscato wine. If the heavens give us a reason to celebrate, why not do so with colorful gusto?!
As the eclipse was ending, we dropped flowers into the creek and let the combined moon and sun energy carry our wishes into the future.
As each person is awakened to the sacred in all life,
the world is transformed.
“Celebrating Summer Solstice and Joining Loyola”
…During one summer of despair, I knew I had to dig deeper to find ways of connecting to the moment, and that is how I discovered what is now a favorite summer hangout – the outdoor community pool! I had taken my daughter there when she was little, but then when she became too cool for the pool, I got the urge to go alone one difficult day after work. I entered the deep end and then danced my own water ballet while kids splashed and screamed all around me and the sun beat down on my face. Something about the weightlessness of my body as I treaded and stretched as well as the otherworldly feeling when I swam beneath the surface made me feel especially connected to the moment and to my body, my spirit, my neighbors and my Creator. Going to the pool regularly became a part of my yearly summer rhythm. I let myself melt into the community waters and become one with all that is…..
