The Secret To Becoming Your Happiest Self

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I’m not keeping up this blog very well, as my days are now filled with writing and reading theology for graduate school. I am more than halfway through this graduate program – and yet I’m still amazed at how the heck I, of all people (and in my mid-40s), became a theology student. I am not even particularly religious! I won’t go into the whole story of how I found myself here, but…

…the bottom line is that I was propelled into it – propelled onto this academic path.

Propelled much in the same way that I was propelled into motherhood – ME – a single, self-absorbed woman suddenly adopting a traumatized first grader and raising her. Really?

Both of these big life choices hopped right over the thinking part of my brain and grabbed my gut in a way that all other options disappeared.

Neither motherhood nor graduate school (this second time around) seemed like choices so much as road signs dropped onto my path (Detour Ahead!) with no way around it.

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And here’s the thing: I love when these road signs drop into my life – because making the best life choices often require us to let go of our rational minds – a process that is counter to what we’ve been taught, counter-cultural and just plain HARD.

These road signs appear when I plead / pray:

God! (Universe! Angels! Saints! Spirit Guides! Ancestors!)

Show me the way!

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And they do.

It’s a process of course – learning how to ask for what you need,

how to notice when it appears and

how to accept what has been offered.

It’s a long, difficult process but before I explain further I need to say that I chose the tagline of this website for a reason.

Focusing Your Life in the Direction of Your Happiest Self

I was stuck trying to decide between Best Self? Truest Self? when my friend Celina suggested Happiest Self.

Of course! Happiness is what I struggled towards for years – straining against the depression and anxiety that is so rampant on both sides of my family. My genes are definitely depressed genes but I have learned to step away from the rabbit hole, so to speak and focus my thoughts in a more positive direction.

I can share many life lessons about becoming my happiest self

because it is something I have had to work so dang hard at.

I consider myself a melancholic optimist.

Melancholic by nature, and stubbornly optimistic by sheer will. I am optimistic because I have developed the awareness to see that

God/ the Universe/ Angels/ Spirit Guides / Ancestors

really do have my back and really do want to keep offering me gifts and direction and opportunities.

You see, when I was a little girl my dad repeatedly told me that our family was born under a black cloud. Great role model, I know. He said this quite a bit and so of course I believed it. I expected bad things to happen. I focused on the bad things that happened.

And the Universe did not disappoint. As a new college grad living in my hometown of Chicago,  the shit just kept coming. In less than three months time, my car broke down on Lake Shore Drive, I was jumped by three strangers with a baseball bat, my car was stolen – and it kept coming. My roommate had to bail on our lease, I didn’t get the job I wanted, etc. etc – but through it all a teeny, tiny voice kept telling me that I was special.

“There’s something special about you.”

It started with a teeny voice but then I noticed the Universe confirming this message, letting me know it was true. First, in random ways: a drunk, homeless guy shouted it at me, an author at a book signing telling me during a talk at a bookstore. Then, in earned ways: from a supervisor, from a friend.

I began to LOOK for and notice the signs that showed that I matter, I have gifts to share and I am here on Earth to use them.

Noticing this message from the Universe and believing it to be true was my first step into the world of possibility. I learned to ask God/the Universe, etc. for signs of how to best use my gifts and accept whatever answers come.

This became a daily practice: asking, noticing, accepting – and giving thanks. (Over time, this practice morphs into a totally new perspective on life and everything that happens to you.)

And that, readers, is the short version of how I ended up in graduate school, how I became the mother of an amazingly courageous young woman and how I learned to overcome my melancholic genes and become a happier person.

And you know what?

God/ the Universe/ Your Spirit Guides / Your Dead Loved Ones

want YOU to know – YOU reading this –  that :

There is something special about you, too.

If you don’t believe it, and you have never noticed a sign confirming this for you before –

then consider this blog post and whatever path lead you to read it to be your first one.

There is something special about you.

(Use it for the greater good.)

Photo credit: By ReubenGBrewer (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Moving Through the Shadows

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Today, in the Christian tradition, is Good Friday. It is a day of darkness. The last gasp of Winter before the freshness of Spring.

Today I am thinking about the darkness within us – our shadow selves – which thrive on secrecy and shame.

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Do you realize that if Red Riding Hood hadn't said to the wolf, "my grandma is sick and alone and she lives right this way," then the wolf would never have eaten either of them and the moral of the story is JUST KEEP QUIET ABOUT YOUR FAMILY PROBLEMS!

We are taught to pretend that GOOD people are nearly always even-keeled and kind with kind and pleasant families, and that if we are not GOOD then we must  be really BAD.

Personality weaknesses make us BAD. Problems make us BAD. Unpleasant feelings make us BAD.

These false beliefs create feelings of shame and unhappiness, which in turn cause us to act out our weaknesses even more.

Of course it was Red Riding Hood's mother who sent her into the wolf-infested forest in the first place and so the real moral of the story is: IT IS ALWAYS THE MOTHER'S FAULT.

Mothers tend to feel a lot of guilt over perceived parenting failures. If we are honest with ourselves, we can see our children mimic our shadow side.

As children, of course we saw the shadow side of our parents. If they were able to claim and define that part of themselves, then we were able to fit the shadow into the larger part of who we knew them to be and accept that good people have weaknesses and problems.

If our parents were in denial about the darker side of themselves, then their shadows probably scared the crap out of us. BAD could be lurking anywhere. We have to be on guard against BAD, especially the BAD within ourselves. Weaknesses are BAD.

The reality of course, is that every human has a shadow side. And you have to get comfortable with your own weaknesses if you want to be your most authentic, kindest self.

My shadow self is snarly and short tempered, especially with my teenage daughter. I long to be a mother who models patience and exudes unconditional love.

Here are four things I do that helps:

1) I confront my shadow with acceptance. (deep sigh) Yes, I am in a snarly mood today.

2) Then reflection – detective work, if necessary. What is going on within me right now that is causing this snarliness today? Lack of sleep, too many deadlines, hormones? I find that it helps if I can put my finger on a particular cause, and then keep that in mind as the shadow emerges. Sometimes I have to go pretty deep to find the cause.

3) If I’m still having a hard time, I visualize a conversation with…Love. (here is where it gets personal and the image varies according to your spiritual beliefs…God, spirit guides, saints, deceased loved ones, angels, or even that best most loving soul part of your self that dwells within you) In my opinion, it doesn’t matter how you visualize Love. But it does help to have this conversation and ask for the help of Love. Then be open to what comes. (I’m going to write more about this step in a future post.)

4) Next, make amends to anyone that my shadow may have hurt. (Very hard to do if I am still resisting or denying my weakness.)

It’s all MUCH harder than it sounds.

Of course, therapy can be helpful to get you in touch with your shadow side and uncover whatever is feeding it.

Letting the sun shine into the darkest parts of yourself is freeing. You can feel a deeper connection with your fellow flawed humans and your real self.

Once upon a time Red Riding Hood was eaten by a wolf, but then she clawed her way out of his stomach and emerged with special powers: she could feel the energy of the trees, predict hurricanes and old people wanted her to sit with them as they died. THE WISEST PEOPLE ARE THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN THROUGH STUFF.

Have you acknowledged your shadow side – the deepest, darkest part of your personality? (Does your shadow act indirectly – using subtle ways of bringing other people down? Or more directly?)

How do you let the sun shine onto your shadow self?

Stepping Out of the Grey and Into Color

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When I first moved to the city where I now live, I stayed in a girlfriend’s studio apartment in a drab part of town and worked a miserable, rotten temp job which took 2 dreary bus rides to get to because I had no car. The girlfriend worked evenings and I had no other local friends. My life was mired in drudgery and I could see no way out.

Two long, sad months later, I learned of a quicker route home from work so I hopped on a bus headed in the opposite direction of the way I usually went. Only one mile later, the bus rounded a curve and my grey world suddenly transformed into living color.

There was a beautiful lake. It was filled with colorful sailboats and surrounded by bike paths. There was a sandy beach with happy sunbathers enjoying the afternoon. Just past the lake were outdoor cafes and bookstores and bike rentals and ice cream.

A veil was lifted. I could see beauty and fun and LIFE after a long time of forgetting any of it existed.

I raced into the apartment to tell my girlfriend what I saw, but of course she was well aware of the lake because she lived in or near this city her whole life.

“But, it’s beautiful and there’s so much to do and…”

She just grimaced. “It’s crowded. We don’t have a boat.”

She could not stomp my buzz. A whole new world was revealed to me, a world of bright colors, happy, active people and natural beauty. I felt hopeful, renewed & alive.

Soon, I moved to a place a short walk away from the lake. I adopted a dog and every warm weekend I took him for a swim, sometimes with my new neighbor friend and her Weimaraner mix. I’d toss the yellow tennis ball into the water, breathe deep and remember that life does not have to be dreary. I moved out of temp work, made friends and changed my life.

Sometimes the veil starts to fall again. Sometimes without noticing it, I slip into autopilot, doing all the things I HAVE to do and forgetting to do anything that wakes up my spirit.

For example, for a long time I had a job doing work that was meaningful for me but slowly the environment around me started to change. The bureaucracy increased at the expense of the work I was doing in the community, the employees grew bitter and petty, and a feeling of dread began to descend upon me every Sunday night as I thought about going into the office the next day. I stayed at that job for too long.

When the veil falls, we cannot see beyond it. We forget about the vibrant worlds that exist just outside of our current experience. We come to believe that we have no choice but to live in the gray.

Grief, depression, anxiety, shame and unworthiness…any of these mental states can drop the veil over us. But sometimes it is something more subtle – the daily-ness of life with all of its responsibilities and mishaps – that gradually removes the color from our sight.

If we are able to remove the veil, step out into the magnificent world and make choices that increase the vibrancy of our days, our lives improve drastically -and then

something funny happens. We reach another veil. We notice the limitations of the physical world and are able to glimpse the ultra-magnificence of what lies just beyond it: the spiritual realm.

To put it in the simplest terms: There are times that I live in drudgery. I simply exist and go through the motions. Then there are times when I am propelled out of the drudgery. I experience joy and beauty on a more regular basis until I am making choices that bring greater meaning into my life. This meaning transforms into a sense of connectedness with others and with the world and with the Spirit that encompasses all. Living begins to feel like a prayer of gratitude.

But then a tragedy occurs or some other setback and the veil drops again. Such is life. But each time, it is a little easier to keep in mind what lies just beyond it.

IMG_1662(view from my window in the Spring)

When was a time a veil lifted for you? I’d love to hear about it!

Check Out This Book: Body of Work

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Have you ever thought about the many different roles you have played in your life, the projects you have worked on, the things you have created, the impact that you have had on others in a variety of contexts?

Thinking of everything that you do in the world as your “body of work” is a great way to not only assess your gifts, define your purpose and plan your next steps – but it is the most relevant way to position yourself in the work world in this age of self employment.

Body of Work: Finding the Thread That Ties Your Story Together is a useful book that I use in my workshops and highly recommend to everyone – especially those who are in a time of transition.

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Telling Your Story To a Spiritual Director

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Telling your story matters.

YOUR story.

The ups and downs and moments that are significant to YOU. Like the times you felt a stirring in your heart and you aren’t sure why or if it even matters. You want to tell your story without being judged or given advice or diagnosed.

You just want to tell your story and see what unfolds: the memories, themes, strengths…

Who knows what gifts from your own life are awaiting your renewed attention, your discovery? 

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You want to see what unfolds from your story because you are a Seeker: someone who seeks meaning in why you are here, what you have been through and whatever you decide to do next. Going through the motions of life just doesn’t cut it for you. You want to really LIVE.

Spiritual Direction is an ancient practice of deep listening to another person’s sacred story.

I have a Spiritual Director and she asks about my life in a way that opens my heart to the meaning that is all around me. She does not direct me, she is simply present with me in a way that leaves me feeling a little more certain of who I am and what I want to do next.

I am being trained in Spiritual Direction through St. Catherine University. It’s an intense process that involves taking fascinating graduate level classes such as the Art of Discernment and Holistic Spirituality, going on silent retreats, studying the texts of both ancient and modern day mystics, and providing 100 hours of Spiritual Direction under supervision. The supervision process trains us to attend to our own issues and ego as they arise so that it truly is the sacred soul of our client that leads the way of our sessions.

If you are interested in arranging a (free) introductory Spiritual Direction session with me, please send an email to Carolyn@SpiritFullDirection.com

To find a different Spiritual Director, or learn more about more about the process, visit the website of Spiritual Directors International.

Connecting Our Kids To the Wonders Of the World

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The world is much bigger than it seems on the internet. My first real glimpse into the vastness of place and possibility happened when I was small and trapped in the front seat of a pickup truck with my Mom, Dad and two German Shorthair dogs as we drove from Chicago to Florida.

I remember listlessly leaning my face against the window glass, staring at mile after mile of telephone wires strung across field after field. Boredom surpassed all known limits before exploding into a loop of sing songy nonsense rhymes and visions of an imagined life lived differently than anything I knew.

Then we were at the ocean and I was running right into the sensory tsunami of salty waves, fishy smells, and hissing white foam. My spirit burst with the contrasts of life, the vastness of the physical world and all that I might someday do and see.

Not long after I became a parent, I drove my newly adopted daughter from our Minneapolis home to my cousin’s house in Madison, Wisconsin. Twenty minutes into our trip, she saw the “Welcome To Wisconsin” sign and exclaimed “We’re here!”

“Yes, we’re in Wisconsin, but we have another 3 1/2 hours to Sheryl’s house,” I said cheerily.

“But you said she lived in Wisconsin and now we’re in Wisconsin.”

“We are now on the edge of Wisconsin. Wisconsin is a big place. Sheryl lives in the middle of it.”

Blank stare, then “But you said we were going to Wisconsin.”

I put in our audio book and half listened while I thought about how to teach my daughter about our world.

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From the beginning of our relationship, I established a rhythm of pointing out something cool every time we went outside. “Hear that? It’s a cardinal?” “Look at how pink the sky is!” “The snow is so pretty on the tree branches!”

After many weeks of this repetition, she began to look up from the fog of her grief and trauma and notice cool things on her own to point out to me. “That’s a turkey!”

(Now it is nine years later, and just last week she dragged me out in my pajamas to look at the full moon. I could not have been more proud.)

Our first Christmas together, I gave her a talking globe. She is proud of her memorization skills, and loved beating me in games of naming the countries and capitals. “Look how teeny Wisconsin is to the rest of the world!”

We began to take longer road trips together – with (almost) no screens and audio books that we heard together. So far, we have driven cross-country four times. K has taken a boat to see whales and pods of dolphins leaping around her. We have laughed outside in a sudden downpour near Niagara Falls, been lost in the north woods of U.P. Michigan and bored senseless on the highways of Indiana.

I think boredom is important. It gives us a glimpse into infinity, it makes us wonder, it helps us experience the size of our world and it creates a contrast with simple pleasures that we might otherwise not see.

When my daughter was little, there were many tear-filled nights when she could not sleep. Here is a bedtime story I told to soothe her:

“I remember the first time I went to the ocean–I was about seven or eight, I think. I stood in the water and looked out to where the sky touches the sea and I felt very, very small. Very small, but in a good way. Small in the sense that this big, beautiful world is so huge, that I will never run out of new things to see, new places to go, new adventures to have. I felt small and young with a whole big world and a whole lifetime ahead of me and knew then that the ocean would always be my favorite place to be.

And now I look out into the endless sea, and think about all of the whales and dolphins and multicolored fish and who knows what else that fills the oceans and how most of these creatures will never even be seen by human eyes. They exist because a Creator chose to fill the oceans with beautiful living things. And the whole world is filled with beautiful creatures, and trees, and flowers and people, too. We could never run out of places to explore, sights to discover or wonderful new people to meet. There is so much good in this world.”

Helping K fall asleep with a smile on her face felt better than running into the ocean that first time.

(Before you think “What a great mom!” read this disclaimer.)

Image courtesy of http://www.h3dwallpapers.com/world-in-hands-5758/

Connecting Our Kids To What Matters, Part One

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This post is a disclaimer for some posts that are to follow. Coming soon, I am going to write about my parenting successes. I am going to write about how when I was a 37-year old single woman and an (almost) 8-year old little girl moved into my house – I decided what kind of parent I wanted to be. I will describe how:

I focused my parenting on connecting my new daughter to her spirit, to a faith in realities that we cannot see, to the big, beautiful world around her and to all the amazing people in it.

These upcoming posts will focus on what worked for me, but first I want to say that I did plenty of crappy things too. When I suggest ideas for other parents to connect their children to what really matters in life – I write not as a pollyanna, but as someone who gets crabby, is sometimes selfish and sometimes disengaged.

My biggest character weakness is probably my lack of patience. It’s the quality that most often causes me to act like a jerk. I sometimes lose patience when I am driving. I suck at small talk because I don’t like empty chatter. Also, I would be a terrible preschool teacher. While being a parent has made me more patient, sometimes I yell at my daughter. Sometimes, I act irrationally towards her because my patience has stretched past the breaking point.

That is the reality. After my daughter moved in with me, there was plenty of chaos in our house. Very quickly, I had to stop and take stock of my intentions with my child. I had to get clear on what was most important to me as a parent and focus my energy in that direction.

I decided that, for me, being a good parent means two things:  #1 Giving my child the tools she needs to create a meaningful life  #2 Building her up more than tearing her down.

What are your most important parenting intentions?

In upcoming posts, I’m going to describe how I focused my parenting on those two intentions, and I want readers to know that I did it despite serious weaknesses. Having clear intentions guided my decision-making and boosted my confidence as a mother. I hope that if I share my experiences here it will help other parents.

#1 Tools She Needs To Create a Meaningful Life

I believe that a meaningful life means being connected. Connected to our inner selves, connected to others and connected to something bigger than us.

My daughter is now 16. Everywhere I look, I see teenagers who are lost. Dis-connected. Self-destructive. Did you see this article in the Huffington Post: The Real Cause of Addiction ? Basically, the latest research shows that drugs become most addictive to humans (and rats) who are lonely or cut off in some way from the world around them.

I have suggestions about how to lessen the likelihood of our kids becoming lost. There were specific things I did to increase my daughter’s sense of connectedness. But before I write about it, I want to be clear that it did not come easily to me. I am not a sunshine and roses, super evolved, peace and love, Earth Mama type. Sometimes, I am an impatient jerk.

I’m also someone who cares deeply about purpose and spirit and meaning.

That is why soon after I became a parent, I decided what my most valued parenting intentions were and I focused my actions on living them. I have a knack for that – seeing through the bullshit distractions to what really matters.

In future posts, I want to describe how I did it.

#2 Building Her Up More Than Tearing Her Down

This intention was WAY harder than I expected it to be. Especially since I spent the bulk of my career facilitating positive self-esteem programs for girls. Yeah, with your own kid it is way harder. So much of parenting is correcting and that can VERY easily lead to tearing down.

I had to learn how to be honest with myself about my weaknesses and not let them thwart my intentions. In other words, sometimes I act like a jerk to my child, but then I apologize, I forgive myself and I move on. I hope this teaches her how to accept her own weaknesses.

In future posts, I will write about how I moved out of the muck of shame and guilt, and how important that was to building up my daughter and becoming a better parent.

So, there you have it. Sometimes I am a jerk. But I still have something to share with you about being a focused, Spirit Full parent.

What are your most important parenting intentions? I’d love to hear!

Doing What Matters Every Day

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Damn, can the days whiz by quickly as bad habits turn into a whole lifestyle, a whole life.

Plans we put out of our minds for just a minute while we run to the grocery store become dreams we haven’t seriously considered in years. We get so lost in our thoughts and worries, our chores and obligations, that we lose sight of who we really want to be.

I could come up with 50 goals I’d like to accomplish in my lifetime, but on New Year’s Day 2010, I focused on the priorities I wanted to have no matter how crazy or chaotic my days were. I came up with three actions I wanted to do every day and I used a day-book to record my progress.

Connect

The first goal was a no-brainer. How many nights did I tuck my then 11-year-old daughter into bed thinking, “I wish I would have done something fun with K today” or “Did I really have to yell at her for that?” What if I had to take note of my daily connection with my daughter and report on it? I know I am an adequate parent, and that obsessing over my mothering flaws tends to make things worse, but what if I had a small but meaningful objective that I had to meet every day – cranky days and crazy, busy days included? Goal Number One: Lovingly & Meaningfully Connect with K Every Day.

Create

The second goal focused on the dreams that had been collecting dust for the past few years. You see, in 2006 I adopted a 7-year-old girl. It was a tough few years – lots of trauma and grief to work through and daily – sometimes hourly – rages. Prior to the adoption, I was a writer and performer in my spare time from work. Now there was no spare time and for the first time in my life I had no creative outlet. I stopped writing, attending performances, reading anything creatively inspiring, or watching any films that were not rated G. Goal Number Two: Do Something Creatively Inspiring Every Day.

Move

The third goal addressed middle-age frumpiness. I gained over 40 pounds after I became a mother. Stress was taking its toll on my body and I found myself having to upgrade my clothing size every year. I knew that in order to be achievable, my health goal had to be small and gentle. Goal Number Three: Move my body in some way every day.

So how did it go?

Pretty great! (For about 3 years, anyway, until tragedy shifted our household into panic mode for a long while. I’ll tell you about that in a future post.)  

My first achievement was being mindful of these three areas. I started each week by writing:

Connect ________   Create________   Move________

onto each day of a day planner. Then every night, I would write a few words on each line. For example:

Connect – Played Frisbee

Create – Wrote blog post

Move – Frisbee!

Or:

Connect – Nice talk in bed

Create – Journaled

Move – Walked dog

It was VERY satisfying to complete each line, and once the day planner was ingrained as a habit it influenced my daily choices.

K: Want to play Just Dance on the Wii with me?

My first thought, “Not really!” My second thought, “Connect and Move. Okay.”

When I had a bad day, I drew a frowny face next to the goal I missed. When I had a string of frowny faces, I took action. In fact, our now family famous cross-country road trips were inspired by an abundance of frowns in the Connect category.

Great things happened in the years I kept those day planners. My relationship with my daughter blossomed. I started a blog which quickly got thousands of hits and led to writing many essays and being published in an online journal. I lost about 20 pounds.

Focusing my life on what truly mattered to me also deepened my spiritual life in ways that I will describe in future posts.

What’s most important to you? Are these crucial values influencing your daily choices?

Ready For 2015 and Whatever It Brings

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Feeling reflective? I am.

2014 was a good year. Big positive changes in my home and work life. Movement, growth and transformation on several levels. It was a good year.

Do you know what was responsible for much of this progress? The wretchedness of 2013. Seriously, 2013 was non-stop crisis. Desperation and paralyzing fear. Frantic police calls, a hospitalization, a death. Misery and chaos in nearly all areas of my life, and little of it within my control.

Then something shifted.

I ended 2013 with the understanding that I can survive just about anything and that my spirit, my me-ness will still be intact. This realization was freeing. My biggest fears lost their power. I changed. I unstuck myself from ruts. The horrors of 2013 sparked the progress of 2014. And now 2015 is starting with questions that I am excited to watch unfold.

I’m sharing this with you because maybe your past year sucked. Maybe your last several years sucked, I don’t know.

Uncontrollable, unforeseen crap is going to happen. That is a fact. Here is what you CAN control: Who is the person you want to be when you finally get to the other end of it? What matters most to you? What can you let go of?

Given that you really have no idea what catastrophe is going to get thrown at you next: How do you want to feel in 2015? What things (within your control) can you do to help you feel that way?

I want to feel inspired, capable and generous.

How about you?